Monday, May 12, 2014

I Shouldn't Be Allowed Online (A Conversation with My Sister)

The following is a copy of a Gchat I had with my sister after reading THIS STORY. It is important to note that this was all farcical and hyperbolic. Can't stress the "this is a joke"-ness enough. In other news, the girl in the original story has apparently now backed out which I think is an interesting development and kind of a waste of $800k.

Me: so apparently selling your virginity online is a thing now. Some girl just sold hers for over $800k
I could buy all the things I want with that lol

Sister: don't do that
that can ONLY end with you as a skin suit
or worse

Me: apparently you can get an "agent"

Sister: wow

Me: I'm just saying, I could go for at least a washer / dryer set, sofa, new car, and new MacBook
plus you have to do it in Australia so it's legal soooo vacation

Sister: well I mean, I can't argue with you there

Me: i mean for $800k I'd totally do it
It's the stigma / notoriety that would stop me

Sister: yeah -- that could be pretty intense

Me: What if I donated half of the money to a women's charity?

Sister: nope -- still not a good idea
what did the girl look like that sold hers for 800k

Me: pretty
quite pretty
google 27 year old med student
but even if I could bring in $300-400 I'd be set

Sister: 300-400k right?

Me: yes
I'm not that desperate

Sister: I thought not

Me: I could totally bring in at least $500k

Sister: I'm sure you could
but whether you should is another story

Me: plus I'm 24, younger has to be better in these situations, right?

Sister: maybe -- there might be the intrigue of someone who is still a virgin at 27

Me: hmm... fair point
I still think it's a money maker

Sister: it definitely is... but I strongly discourage it

Me: why? how much do most women get? probably not $800000

Sister: lol true
you know what -- go for it

Me: it's really just like the executive position of the oldest profession

Sister: CEO of whore INC?

Me: We prefer Escort and we're an LLC

Sister: LOL
omg dying

Me: you have to watch your assets, not just your ass

Sister: slogan alert!

Me: Between this and slim pickeys I'll never work again (Slim Pickeys is my brilliant idea to make low cal frozen meals for picky eaters. They would taste good but not have huge chunks of peppers or onions or whatever in them.)

Sister: bahaha excellent
this could pay to start up slim pickeys

I'll go down in history as a mogul and a visionary

Sister: likely -- just like warren buffet

Me: People will say, "Remember Kyley Eagleson? The woman who used the predictability and weaknesses of men to bankroll a new business which went on to empower even the pickiest of women to be healthy and happy? She was a visionary."

Sister: lol intro to your book
that quote from someone like bill gates

Me: It will be called "Assets: Business and the Sexual Revolution"

Sister: lol
I love it

Me: Thank you
How do you think one would go about finding a virginity sales agent?

Sister: google?

Me: ooo, good call

Sister: but not at work
definitely NSFW

Me: fair
(Here is where she tries to change the subject, I do not allow it)
Sister: I am made of so much sleepy

Me: Also wasted virginity potential

Sister: you know the guys that pay for this are total whack jobs

Me: everybody has their fetishes. plus it's one time!

Sister: right - there is that
unless... skin suit
probably you would need someone to chaperon

Me: In the old days women had to "lie back and think of England" for no large sums of money.

Sister: lol

Me: Well obviously you would be in the next room earning 5-10%

Sister: wait I get 10%?

Me: yeah, as my safety person.

Sister: sweet

Me: You'd be responsible for alerting the security if things get skin suity

Monday, May 5, 2014

Why I Don't Want an eReader

As I reader (and a person whose apartment resembles a small library) I am often faced with the question, “Why don’t you just get an eReader?”  I have even wondered this myself on occasion (most notably when I’m attempting to move my 500+ books) but I always come back to the same conclusion.  I don’t want an eReader because I like my books too much.  So why do I have such an attachment to my books?  I’ve come up with a few reasons.

1. I like the way it feels to hold a book in my hands.  I like turning the pages.  I like to feel the weight of the book and be able to flip through it a little before I start reading.  If I had an eReader every book would feel the same.  They would all weigh the same 6-8 ounces.  They would not have pages I could fan through.

2. I like how books smell.  Old, new, whatever, I like the smell of books.  I’m fairly certain that no matter how advanced eReaders get they are still going to smell like plastic / electronics.

3. I like to share books I love with other people.  If I buy and read an excellent book I can simply lend it to a friend I think would enjoy it.  With an eReader all I can do is try to convince them they should buy a copy for themselves.  I prefer the act of actually passing a good book along.       

4. John Waters once said, 'If you go home with somebody, and they don't have books, don't fuck 'em!'  While perhaps cruder than I would go with it makes my point.  Sure, if someone has an eReader they can “have a library at their fingertips,” but what am I going to do if I go visit them?  Flip through their Kindle storage?  It’s much easier to browse through shelves of books.  Until eReaders come up with a hologram projector that allows me to not only scan titles but to take them down and read the covers / flip through them I will remain firmly in the physical book camp.

5. Books can hold fond memories.  Many of the books that I own belonged to my grandma.  When she died they came to me.  I don’t think I have anything else that could make me feel closer to her than these books.  I know she loved them and she instilled the love of reading into me.  And even if she would have lived to see eReaders I think she would have preferred books.

6. Much like number 4, books make good decoration.  The vibe in my apartment is “small town library,” and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

So those are my reasons.  Maybe they don’t all make sense to you, maybe you think I’ve given way too much thought to this subject, maybe I have.  I believe it’s a to each his own type of situation and if you’re reading in any manner than you’re doing just fine, I’ll just do my reading the old fashioned way.