Monday, December 22, 2014

A Comprehensive List of My Childhood Fears

I’ve written a few posts like this in the past but this time I’m going to try really hard to come up with all the things I was scared of / thought would be bigger issues in my life when I was a child. Things I thought I would almost certainly encounter some day and which I therefore attempted to be prepared for. Here we go:

1. Being kidnapped. Seemed like it would be a childhood rite of passage.

2. Missing the bus. Literally this never happened to me. For all of the hubbub it gets in TV and movies I really thought it would happen to me eventually. Maybe it was because I knew if I missed the bus my mom wasn’t going to be able to take me to school? Ergo more motivation to make said bus.

3. As I’ve mentioned before, house fires and/or my person catching fire. I knew what to do. I was prepared. I still am.

4. Quicksand. Honestly I’m not even sure where I thought I was going to encounter quicksand but I sure remember thinking it would be an issue.

5. Undiscovered land mines. The downside of learning about history, folks.

6. Rabid dogs. I just assumed there were many of these roaming around.

7. Tornadoes. I’m still scared of tornadoes but I’ve come to realize that not every thunderstorm means I need to be in fear of a tornado.

8. Getting lost. I’ve actually realized in recent years that this is a common theme in movies I didn’t like as a child as well. I didn’t (and still don’t really) like movies where the main character is lost and trying to find its way home. You might be shocked by what a common storyline this is. A few examples, The Brave Little Toaster, Toy Story, Homeward Bound, The Pagemaster, The Land Before Time, The Wizard of Oz, etc. It’s a freaking epidemic!

9. Spontaneously going blind. Still scares me.

10. Getting locked in somewhere or something. I'm still a little claustrophobic and I avoid elevators whenever possible.

11. An elevator I am in breaking and plunging down the floors of the building until we crash at the bottom.

12. My sisters porcelain dolls. Things are hella freaky.

13. Shark attacks.

14. Many of the storylines from Are You Afraid of the Dark; including but not limited to: being turned into a doll, being possessed by an article of clothing, being trapped in a haunted mansion, getting stuck in a pinball machine, etc. I have a theory that those of us who watched Are You Afraid of the Dark as kids are inherently more respectful of authority because if that show taught you anything it was to never do the thing the adult said not to do. Just don’t do the thing. Doing the thing could (and probably would) lead to your doom.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Jobs I Am Totally Qualified For

Personal Book Buyer / Reader – I would buy the books for a wealthy person, read them, and leave said wealthy person a nice summary so he or she could decide whether to read the book or simply use my summary of it to sound well-read during polite conversation.

Pinterest Project Practicer
– See a project on Pinterest that you’d really like to try but you just don’t have time? I’m your girl! I will attempt the craft and if it turns out well, you get to keep it. If not, we toss it and both get a laugh out of the failure. And you never had to waste a minute!

Collector of Online Media
– Do you long for an iTunes library that would make all your hipster friends jealous? Do you wish you always had the perfect response .gif at your fingertips? Feeling leftout because you don’t have a funny video to pull up on your iPad? Worry no longer! Simply hire me to curate a broad collection of web based media that you can always have at the ready.

Non-Travel Writer
– My books and blog would serve as a meeting place and a source of inspiration for those of us too poor and / or introverted to travel. I would cover topics ranging from “Building the Perfect Blanket Fort,” to “Tastes of the World: Your Take-Out Ticket to World Travel (all without leaving your sofa).”

Movie Watcher
– See above description of Book Buyer but replace reading of books with watching of movies.

Master of Binge TV Watching
– I’m not sure why, but someone would decide to pay me for my ability to watch anywhere from one to two full seasons of a show in one weekend.

Taster of Cakes
– I think this one is self-explanatory.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

A Conversation With My Sister (Subtitle, RIP Pumpkin Scone)

Sometimes I like to have Gchat conversations with my sister where I mostly send .gif images. Today was one of those times.
Me: Ode to a pumpkin scone,
your time was up too soon,
is not Thanksgiving equally as festive?
Take your cranberries and shove them. 
Sister: lol, nice


Sister: nice gif party

Me: i feel like you're not taking me seriously.
does my sadness amuse you?

Sister:  well not your sadness - just your display of sadness

Me: Your lack of compassion has been blogged about. 
Sister: excellent

Me: you're not taking anything I say seriously, are you?
She clearly doesn't understand.  I miss you already, pumpkin scone.  Until we meet again...

Monday, November 3, 2014

I’ve been thinking about this quote a lot recently.

“Man is the most insane species. 
He worships an invisible God and 
destroys a visible Nature. 
Unaware that this Nature he’s 
destroying is this God he’s worshiping.” 
                                              - Hubert Reeves

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

More Things I Thought Were True

Earlier this year I posted a list of things I thought were true when I was a kid.  Since doing so I’ve realized that there are several others I overlooked.  In order to rectify this grievous oversight I provide the following list of “More Things I Thought Were True.”

Childhood ruined. 
1. I had a very real fear about the story of the “girl with the green ribbon.”  In case you’re unaware of the story I’m referencing it was basically about a girl who had a green ribbon around her neck that she never took off.  She grew up, got old, etc.  When she was on her death bed she had someone remove the ribbon and her head fell off.  In hindsight, this is absurd.  But at the time I was fairly convinced this was a feasible means of staying alive after being beheaded.  Additionally, I was super worried that heads could just fall off willy nilly.  Thinking about it even now kind of freaks me out.  This is what I get for reading my sister’s “Scary Stories” book.  Ugh.

2.  I was pretty convinced there was some kind of hidden fairy wonderland in the woods / fields near my house.  My friend Shawna and I spent countless hours walking around these areas as kids.  An important fact to note here is that these were not exactly dense woods.  You could pretty much see through them.  I can only assume I thought the entrance would be some kind of rabbit hole.  Or that I, unlike the woods, was a little dense.    

3. This one isn't so much something I thought was true as it’s something absurd I did.  We got a lot of snow one winter and I decided that if I crawled under it in one place and continued to “burrow” I could make a super cool tunnel in the snow.  After probably 20 minutes of hardcore tunnel excavation I emerged from the snow to view my handiwork.  I had created a rather sizable path through the snow.  It was a pretty big letdown for tiny Kyley.

4.  Basically anything my sister ever told me.  Including that gem about how if you went down the big hill by our house without using breaks on your bike you could coast all the way to the Arend’s (friends).  That was just a big ‘ol mess.

5.  Once more, Hogwarts.  Another September 1st has come and gone and I am still not at magic school.      


Monday, May 12, 2014

I Shouldn't Be Allowed Online (A Conversation with My Sister)

The following is a copy of a Gchat I had with my sister after reading THIS STORY. It is important to note that this was all farcical and hyperbolic. Can't stress the "this is a joke"-ness enough. In other news, the girl in the original story has apparently now backed out which I think is an interesting development and kind of a waste of $800k.

Me: so apparently selling your virginity online is a thing now. Some girl just sold hers for over $800k
I could buy all the things I want with that lol

Sister: don't do that
that can ONLY end with you as a skin suit
or worse

Me: apparently you can get an "agent"

Sister: wow

Me: I'm just saying, I could go for at least a washer / dryer set, sofa, new car, and new MacBook
plus you have to do it in Australia so it's legal soooo vacation

Sister: well I mean, I can't argue with you there

Me: i mean for $800k I'd totally do it
It's the stigma / notoriety that would stop me

Sister: yeah -- that could be pretty intense

Me: What if I donated half of the money to a women's charity?

Sister: nope -- still not a good idea
what did the girl look like that sold hers for 800k

Me: pretty
quite pretty
google 27 year old med student
but even if I could bring in $300-400 I'd be set

Sister: 300-400k right?

Me: yes
I'm not that desperate

Sister: I thought not

Me: I could totally bring in at least $500k

Sister: I'm sure you could
but whether you should is another story

Me: plus I'm 24, younger has to be better in these situations, right?

Sister: maybe -- there might be the intrigue of someone who is still a virgin at 27

Me: hmm... fair point
I still think it's a money maker

Sister: it definitely is... but I strongly discourage it

Me: why? how much do most women get? probably not $800000

Sister: lol true
you know what -- go for it

Me: it's really just like the executive position of the oldest profession

Sister: CEO of whore INC?

Me: We prefer Escort and we're an LLC

Sister: LOL
omg dying

Me: you have to watch your assets, not just your ass

Sister: slogan alert!

Me: Between this and slim pickeys I'll never work again (Slim Pickeys is my brilliant idea to make low cal frozen meals for picky eaters. They would taste good but not have huge chunks of peppers or onions or whatever in them.)

Sister: bahaha excellent
this could pay to start up slim pickeys

I'll go down in history as a mogul and a visionary

Sister: likely -- just like warren buffet

Me: People will say, "Remember Kyley Eagleson? The woman who used the predictability and weaknesses of men to bankroll a new business which went on to empower even the pickiest of women to be healthy and happy? She was a visionary."

Sister: lol intro to your book
that quote from someone like bill gates

Me: It will be called "Assets: Business and the Sexual Revolution"

Sister: lol
I love it

Me: Thank you
How do you think one would go about finding a virginity sales agent?

Sister: google?

Me: ooo, good call

Sister: but not at work
definitely NSFW

Me: fair
(Here is where she tries to change the subject, I do not allow it)
Sister: I am made of so much sleepy

Me: Also wasted virginity potential

Sister: you know the guys that pay for this are total whack jobs

Me: everybody has their fetishes. plus it's one time!

Sister: right - there is that
unless... skin suit
probably you would need someone to chaperon

Me: In the old days women had to "lie back and think of England" for no large sums of money.

Sister: lol

Me: Well obviously you would be in the next room earning 5-10%

Sister: wait I get 10%?

Me: yeah, as my safety person.

Sister: sweet

Me: You'd be responsible for alerting the security if things get skin suity

Monday, May 5, 2014

Why I Don't Want an eReader

As I reader (and a person whose apartment resembles a small library) I am often faced with the question, “Why don’t you just get an eReader?”  I have even wondered this myself on occasion (most notably when I’m attempting to move my 500+ books) but I always come back to the same conclusion.  I don’t want an eReader because I like my books too much.  So why do I have such an attachment to my books?  I’ve come up with a few reasons.

1. I like the way it feels to hold a book in my hands.  I like turning the pages.  I like to feel the weight of the book and be able to flip through it a little before I start reading.  If I had an eReader every book would feel the same.  They would all weigh the same 6-8 ounces.  They would not have pages I could fan through.

2. I like how books smell.  Old, new, whatever, I like the smell of books.  I’m fairly certain that no matter how advanced eReaders get they are still going to smell like plastic / electronics.

3. I like to share books I love with other people.  If I buy and read an excellent book I can simply lend it to a friend I think would enjoy it.  With an eReader all I can do is try to convince them they should buy a copy for themselves.  I prefer the act of actually passing a good book along.       

4. John Waters once said, 'If you go home with somebody, and they don't have books, don't fuck 'em!'  While perhaps cruder than I would go with it makes my point.  Sure, if someone has an eReader they can “have a library at their fingertips,” but what am I going to do if I go visit them?  Flip through their Kindle storage?  It’s much easier to browse through shelves of books.  Until eReaders come up with a hologram projector that allows me to not only scan titles but to take them down and read the covers / flip through them I will remain firmly in the physical book camp.

5. Books can hold fond memories.  Many of the books that I own belonged to my grandma.  When she died they came to me.  I don’t think I have anything else that could make me feel closer to her than these books.  I know she loved them and she instilled the love of reading into me.  And even if she would have lived to see eReaders I think she would have preferred books.

6. Much like number 4, books make good decoration.  The vibe in my apartment is “small town library,” and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

So those are my reasons.  Maybe they don’t all make sense to you, maybe you think I’ve given way too much thought to this subject, maybe I have.  I believe it’s a to each his own type of situation and if you’re reading in any manner than you’re doing just fine, I’ll just do my reading the old fashioned way.  

Friday, April 4, 2014

Things That Make Me Feel Like a Traitor to My Generation

Subtitle, "I suck at being a '20-something'"

For those of you who may not know, I will turn 24 this month.  I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the fact that I’m “in my 20’s” and what that seems to mean to my peers / society.  I can’t help feeling like when judged by current “norms” I am falling woefully short.  I have to think I’m not the only 20 something who doesn’t relate a bit to the show GIRLS but maybe I’m wrong?  It just seems like popular culture is telling me I’m messing up on the following things:

1. Having had multiple sexual partners by the time one reaches his or her 20’s.  I guess I should have seen this one coming when I didn’t have the hyper sexualized college experience that seems to be depicted in the movies and TV shows of the day.  I was basically setting myself up for “failure” on this one.  This one doesn’t bug me that much but I do sometimes think I might be wasting my prime.

2. Being really into going out on the weekends.  In hindsight this is another one I should have seen coming.  I did go out more in college but since graduating I have probably gone out to bars less than 5 times.  I wonder if this is okay or if I should be aiming to be like Lena Dunham dancing in a mesh tank top?  I’m not sure that’s a look I could rock though so maybe I’m okay.

3. Loving wine.  I’m sorry to my fellow 20 something women.  I just really don’t like wine.  Never really have and I don’t see it happening any time soon.  Just remember, my not liking it means there is more for you!

4. Living with a bunch of roommates.  Have you noticed that popular culture never seems to depict a main character of our age group living alone?  If they do it’s often because their parents pay for their rent or because they’re too weird to keep a roommate or seven.  I have to think there are others who both are capable of living alone in their 20’s and who actually prefer it.  You know what I never have to do?  Other people’s dishes.  Boom.

5. Relying on parents for financial support.  This one was never going to work for me.  When I got my first job in high school I became pretty self-sufficient.  Obviously my parents still covered my basic needs but I paid for my lunch, any extracurricular activities, etc.  Other than when my Dad helped me right after I graduated I’ve been managing.  It seems weird to me that an adult with a job would still need constant monetary aid from their parents.

6. An incredibly strong sense of "feminism."  I've posted about this before.  I'm a firm believer in equality but I often feel like the feminists of my generation are pushing for the subjugation of men more than for equality.  It's like equality can't exist, someone has to win.

7. Dating around.  To paraphrase Rajesh Koothrappali, zero men—that’s my sweet spot.  Dating is hard.  Meeting people is hard.  Going out with someone you met at the coffee shop could end in you being a skin suit so is it really worth the risk?    

Thursday, February 27, 2014

The Story of the Mouse in My Apartment

I'm so sorry, Mr. Mouse
Before we get started I need to confess that for most of my life I have made fun of my mother for her fear of mice.  I mean they’re small and furry and sort of cuddly, right?  I thought so too.  Then one was in my house. 

The story starts at around 7:30 last Saturday morning.  I had woken up early to study for an Art History exam I had to take at 10.  I’d been studying for about half an hour when Bo suddenly burst around the door and alerted me to the mouse that was en route to one of my bookcases.  I looked up in time to see it scurry and dart behind said bookcase.  I ran in to the kitchen to turn on more lights and watched the bookcase intently just to make sure I’d seen what I thought I saw.

I did.  The mouse stuck its head out, I said “ack!” and he ran back behind the bookshelf.  I then totally and completely lost my shit.  I jumped up on the kitchen counter and texted my friend Casey (he’s the guy I know who lives closest) to see if he was awake.  He didn't respond.  I called my dad.  

For those of you who may not know, I live about 3 hours away from my hometown.  AKA I live about three hours away from my dad.  I called him anyway.  At this point I’m crying uncontrollably.  Dad answers and promptly asks what’s wrong.  The conversation proceeds thusly:
Me: *Sobs* there is a mouse in my apartment!
Dad: A mouse?
Me: Yes! I woke up early to study and now there is a mouse.
Dad: Okay, it’s okay, where is the mouse now?
Me: He’s *sobs* behind the smaller bookshelf in the dining room.  *Yelp* He keeps poking his head out and scaring me.
Dad: Calm down, do you have any traps?
Me: No! I never thought I’d have a mouse in my apartment!
Dad: Okay, okay, you’re alright –
Me: *Squeal* He keeps poking out!
Dad: Kyley, it’s okay… I don’t have a lot going on today, I can come help you.
Me: Dad, you can’t drive to Indy to help me with a mouse.
Dad: You’d be surprised what I can do.
Me: No, no, that’s okay. I *sniff* I’m okay.  I just hate leaving it here to go take my test.
Dad: Go take your test, you’ll be fine.  You’re sure you don’t want me to come down?
Me: Okay, yeah, yeah I’m fine.

After assuring my dad that I was okay (I wasn't) and hanging up with him I called my sister.  Her phone went to voicemail.  I called her again.  She answered.  We chatted.
Nikita: *Groggily* Hello?
Me: N-n-nikita.
Nikita: *More awake now* What? What’s wrong?
Me: There’s – there’s a mouse in my apartment.
Nikita: There’s a mouse in your apartment?!
Me: Yes.  *Sniff* I need a judgment call.  If you lived alone and there was a mouse in your apartment and dad offered to come help you take care of it would you have him come?
Nikita: Well… If he offered.
Me: He did.  I just feel ridiculous.  This is what I get for waking up early to study.
Nikita: Are you dressed?
Me: No
Nikita: Have you showered?
Me: No. *squeak* (I made noises every time the little devil popped his head out)
Nikita: So what are you doing right now?
Me: Sitting Indian style on my kitchen counter.
Nikita: *Laughs* I see.  Well if our choices are having dad come and feeling a little silly for it or living the rest of your life on a counter I think we both know the answer.
Me: Okay *sniff*.  But I don’t want to get off the counter or stop watching him because as soon as I do he could be anywhere!  And when I leave he could REALLY be anywhere!
Nikita: I know, it sucks.  It’ll be alright though.
Me: Okay. Bye.

At this point I texted my dad and told him I would actually take him up on his offer.  He wished me luck on my exam and said he’d be on his way soon.  The mouse peeked out and I didn't make a noise.  He came all the way out and the logical part of my brain said, “aww, he’s sorta tiny and cute.”  Then he darted out and into the kitchen and under my fridge.  I 100% lost my cool again, yelled, and hopped off the counter to go get ready for my exam. 

I called my mom in the interim and she was all kinds of unhelpful.  She kept telling me terrible stories about mice and freaking me out even more.  In hindsight, mom might be evil.  I should look into that.

So then I went and took my exam.  I did not do as well on it as I would have sans mouse but c’est la vie.  Then I called my dad and found out he was about two hours out.  I decided that instead of going home I would go hide at my office.  I was absurdly jumpy and convinced that every noise was the vermin army coming to do me in.

After killing time at the office I headed home to meet my dad.  He came bearing traps and poison which we proceeded to set in strategic places around the apartment.  Then we got Italian food.  I sent Dad home that evening (we’d yet to catch the mouse) and braved the apartment on my own. I went to bed that night with pillows stuffed under the door in an effort to keep the mouse out of my room.

I awoke Sunday and went to check the traps.  No luck on the first one but when I glanced into the kitchen I saw that we had been successful in our endeavors.  The poor, misguided mouse had met its spring loaded end.  But the battle was not yet over.  I still had to dispose of the body. 

I brought the trashcan close and grabbed a set of tongs.  I had to give myself a pep talk which consisted of “you are a grown ass woman, pick up the mouse!”  I grabbed the trap with the tongs and lowered the entire thing into the garbage.  I proceeded to empty out the leftovers in my fridge and took the bag to the dumpster.  If I’m being honest, I still feel a little bad that the mouse had to die.  But apparently Kyley does not find mice cute when they are running free in her apartment.

So what’s the moral of the story?  I’m not totally sure.  If I had to guess though it would be that dads are great regardless of your age and you should never wake up early to study for an exam.

Monday, February 17, 2014

Things I Thought were True

Last week I had to drive to Chicago for work.  It’s a longish drive and it left me with way too much time to think.  One of the things that popped into my mind was some of the weird things I was convinced were true / that I thought would be way bigger issues in my life back when I was just a wee tot.  Let me tell you about them…

1. I thought that having a baby happened pretty instantly.  Like on TV shows when the woman is all “the baby is coming!” and they have to race to the hospital and there is always a very real chance that they won’t make it and the dad will have to deliver the baby in the car.  I figured that was typical.  As such I spent far too much of my childhood time being concerned about grown-up Kyley and what would happen when she decided to have a baby.

2. I was convinced that bellybuttons could come untied.  After I learned that bellybuttons are just tied off after birth and heal into what we have today I became certain that if I pushed my belly out too far my belly button would pop out, open, and all my insides would fall out. 

3. I thought that house fires would be a very prevalent thing in my young life.  In fact house fires were probably the thing I was most afraid of as a child.  They teach you all about them and how to be safe if / when (let’s be real, it always seemed like a question of when) they happen in school and poor small Kyley just assumed they would not burden us with that information if it weren’t something that would for sure happen to children at least 3 times.

4.  Much like the item above, I thought that catching on fire would be a big problem for me.  Stop, drop, and roll was so ingrained in me, and remains so to this day, that it seems almost absurd that I haven’t caught on fire yet.

5. I was pretty sure Hogwarts was real and that I was going.  This one still stings a bit. 


Friday, February 7, 2014

Recent Workplace Happenings

Boss: By the way we were right about that thing.
Me: Have you seen The Incredibles?
Boss: *Confused look*
Me: The Pixar movie about superheroes? It has the tiny woman who makes the costumes.
Boss: Oh, yes, I know that one.
Me: I never look back, darling.  It detracts from the now.

As I’m walking towards him…
Coworker: Oh man, don’t tell Kyley!
Me: Sticks tongue out.
Coworker: *Laughs*
Me: Clearly I’m feeling unfailingly mature today.

Me: Well there's the silver lining!
Coworker: Oh, I watched that movie.  Kinda have a crush on Jennifer Lawrence.
Me: Me too.
Coworker: You too?
Me: Yeah.  Let's be real, given the opportunity I would alter my sexual orientation to be with Jennifer Lawrence.
All: Laughter

Boss: So what’s on your list?
Me: All the things.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Things I Take Issue With

I know it’s been a while since I've written on here. My life has been bat crap crazy and I simply have not had time. That said, I don’t really have time now but I’ve amassed a number of things I wanted to discuss on here over these last few months. So without further ado, here are some things I take issue with.

1. People putting makeup on / overtly and terribly photoshopping their children, their friends children, or really any children in general. Kids are cute. Even when they’re kind of ugly they’re still cute. This is the one time in their life when they literally do not care about their appearance and don’t care about not caring. Embrace that attitude and stop giving your infant Disney looking eyes and bright pink lips. They don’t need it. And that “don’t need it,” applies on a few different levels.

2. Don’t assume that just because I’m young I go out partying all the time, am inherently lazy, or that you can treat me like a child.

3. People telling other people to stop complaining about the cold. Get over yourself. It’s cold, you’re on social media, you’re going to see posts about the cold. If you don’t want to see the opinions of others than don’t be on social media. This really applies to anything people post about on social media. It’s a platform to share what you’re thinking, you don’t have to like what other people choose to think and share but you do have to let them post it.

4. People commenting on images that TV shows post to Facebook claiming they are posting spoilers. For the love of god, if an episode has already aired they can tell you whatever they want about it and it’s not a spoiler. The purpose of social media in business is to garner interest in the subject they are promoting. The best way to do that you may ask? Posting something interesting / exciting about recent episodes. If you don’t want to see them don’t follow them.

5. I would write about this last one but I think Lewis C.K. said it best…