Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Not About Real Life, Not Even A Little Bit

I just had a sad realization. Before I get into the details, I should say that like most people my age I recognize that the Disney princesses, while pretty awesome, are not the strongest female role models. They all kind of wander around aimlessly until they find their prince and ride off into the sunset, but whatever. This being said, my personal favorite (Belle) is a book reading, prince saving, badass! But my sister’s favorite is so, so, far from awesome; that is what I just realized.

Arial is without a doubt the worst Disney princess; and this is why.

Ariel is a princess in the underwater city of Atlantica. Her dad and sisters clearly care about her and while she does share a room with like seven other people, life seems pretty golden. She gets to swim around all day, sharks seem to stay out of the city limits, and she’s a redhead with no freckles and no opportunity to get a sunburn, she’s got it pretty good. But does she recognize this? Not even a little. Lets take a look at a few of her brilliant acts.

1. For starters, let’s re-establish the fact that she is only 16 years old when her whole story goes down. 16!

2. She’s constantly sneaking out and doing the one thing her dad has asked her not to do. Going to the surface to talk to a seagull and spy on the humans.

3. She’s like the original “Material Girl.” Seriously. I blame her for Paris Hilton. “I've got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty, I've got whozits and whatzits galore. You want thingamabobs? I've got twenty! But who cares? No big deal, I want more.” I mean seriously, this chick has an entire cavern full of stuff that no other merperson has and she’s still not happy. Come on, your life is not that bad, stop being so angsty.

4. She sees Prince Eric like once and decides she’s in love with him and that it’s worth giving up her home, family, and lifestyle to go try to make him fall for her. Forget getting to know him or anything, that’s just a waste of time. Then her dad finds all this out and yells at her and destroys all her human stuff. You’d think this would have been the end of her little adventure, but no, it’s just the beginning.

5. After she gets punished, instead of, I don’t know, learning her lesson she goes to the evil witch, sells her voice, gets legs, and goes to the surface all without permission, without a realistic plan, and with a fall back plan of being turned into a squiggly worm / seaweed thing if it doesn’t work out up on the surface. Awesome, great plan Ariel, great plan.

She goes on to do some more semi-absurd things but nothing quite so dumb. But then we get to the end and everything works out for her. Sea witch gets killed, daddy gives her legs, and she gets married at 16. I mean really, what’s the moral here?

Ariel < Belle, that’s all I’m saying.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Things I Will Never Understand

1. Why the German language capitalizes all of its nouns.

2. Why salt / baking soda / baking power come in such large amounts. I always end up throwing the bulk of it out because I feel like it is old.

3. Why bologna and lasagna don’t rhyme.

4. Where my phone goes when I put it in my purse and then can’t find it for 10 minutes.

5. How my keys end up in such bizarre places. (Under my armchair, in the fridge, etc.)

6. Chemistry.

7. Why nothing rhymes with orange; it’s just so sad.

8. How people like to eat liver. It’s an organ whose function is to filter poison, I mean seriously.

9. Why things that taste so good are almost always so bad for you.

10. Why it is so easy to procrastinate and so difficult to start studying.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Universal Truths as Seen by Me

1. I will never manage to get all of my socks in the same load of laundry.

2. There is no correct way to fold a fitted sheet, just give up; it’s always going to look stupid.

3. Most old cartoons were way better than the new ones.

4. There is a vortex in the bottom of my purse that transports my keys to ridiculous places.

5. The remote is never close enough.

6. The person who finally invents and fully circulates the “sarcasm font,” will be a millionaire.

7. You will always lose the roll of tape before using it up, unless it’s Christmastime.

8. Cutting a sandwich into two triangles makes it taste better than if you had left it a square.

9. Every roof has something bizarre on it. (Frisbee, deflated basketball, etc.)

10. There is definitely a clause in one of those Apple Terms of Use Agreements that makes them the owner of your soul.

11. If you read the book first, it’s better than the movie. Always.

12. Nobody knows where all the metal coat hangers came from.

13. Car washes will always be fun.

14. Automatic toilets only work 50% of the time.

15. I have no idea why I constantly type the word “suck” when I mean “such.” (Note: I just did it while trying to write the word such.)

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Things That Annoy Me

1. People who think being a business major is easy / that it involves no real work.

2. People who pronounce an “X” in the word especially. There is no “X” there. Stop saying it.

3. People who use the word “obviously,” in presentations. Actually, I didn’t do the same project as you so that finding was not obvious. But thanks for making me feel like an idiot.

4. People who don’t grasp sarcasm. Get with the generation people; we’re a flock of dry humored cynics, keep up.

5. Forgetting something you were thinking about.

6. People who write the wrong version of the word “your.” If you want to attribute a characteristic to someone, it’s “you’re funny,” or “you’re an ignorant buffoon.” People don’t own funny. People should not own ignorant buffoons. Your grammar makes my soul die a little more each day.

7. Anyone and everyone who frequently says, “totes,” “adorbs,” and/or “presh.” For the love of God just say the whole word. Saying these words makes you the exact opposite of adorbs.

8. The noise “um.” I want it out of today’s vernacular. It makes us sound like idiots. I both hate myself every time I utter it and lament for others every time they do.

9. People who always put “lol” in all caps. Why are you yelling at me about your laughter?

10. That baby that is always wailing in the grocery store. You know the one.