Monday, December 22, 2014

A Comprehensive List of My Childhood Fears

I’ve written a few posts like this in the past but this time I’m going to try really hard to come up with all the things I was scared of / thought would be bigger issues in my life when I was a child. Things I thought I would almost certainly encounter some day and which I therefore attempted to be prepared for. Here we go:

1. Being kidnapped. Seemed like it would be a childhood rite of passage.

2. Missing the bus. Literally this never happened to me. For all of the hubbub it gets in TV and movies I really thought it would happen to me eventually. Maybe it was because I knew if I missed the bus my mom wasn’t going to be able to take me to school? Ergo more motivation to make said bus.

3. As I’ve mentioned before, house fires and/or my person catching fire. I knew what to do. I was prepared. I still am.

4. Quicksand. Honestly I’m not even sure where I thought I was going to encounter quicksand but I sure remember thinking it would be an issue.

5. Undiscovered land mines. The downside of learning about history, folks.

6. Rabid dogs. I just assumed there were many of these roaming around.

7. Tornadoes. I’m still scared of tornadoes but I’ve come to realize that not every thunderstorm means I need to be in fear of a tornado.

8. Getting lost. I’ve actually realized in recent years that this is a common theme in movies I didn’t like as a child as well. I didn’t (and still don’t really) like movies where the main character is lost and trying to find its way home. You might be shocked by what a common storyline this is. A few examples, The Brave Little Toaster, Toy Story, Homeward Bound, The Pagemaster, The Land Before Time, The Wizard of Oz, etc. It’s a freaking epidemic!

9. Spontaneously going blind. Still scares me.

10. Getting locked in somewhere or something. I'm still a little claustrophobic and I avoid elevators whenever possible.

11. An elevator I am in breaking and plunging down the floors of the building until we crash at the bottom.

12. My sisters porcelain dolls. Things are hella freaky.

13. Shark attacks.

14. Many of the storylines from Are You Afraid of the Dark; including but not limited to: being turned into a doll, being possessed by an article of clothing, being trapped in a haunted mansion, getting stuck in a pinball machine, etc. I have a theory that those of us who watched Are You Afraid of the Dark as kids are inherently more respectful of authority because if that show taught you anything it was to never do the thing the adult said not to do. Just don’t do the thing. Doing the thing could (and probably would) lead to your doom.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Jobs I Am Totally Qualified For

Personal Book Buyer / Reader – I would buy the books for a wealthy person, read them, and leave said wealthy person a nice summary so he or she could decide whether to read the book or simply use my summary of it to sound well-read during polite conversation.

Pinterest Project Practicer
– See a project on Pinterest that you’d really like to try but you just don’t have time? I’m your girl! I will attempt the craft and if it turns out well, you get to keep it. If not, we toss it and both get a laugh out of the failure. And you never had to waste a minute!

Collector of Online Media
– Do you long for an iTunes library that would make all your hipster friends jealous? Do you wish you always had the perfect response .gif at your fingertips? Feeling leftout because you don’t have a funny video to pull up on your iPad? Worry no longer! Simply hire me to curate a broad collection of web based media that you can always have at the ready.

Non-Travel Writer
– My books and blog would serve as a meeting place and a source of inspiration for those of us too poor and / or introverted to travel. I would cover topics ranging from “Building the Perfect Blanket Fort,” to “Tastes of the World: Your Take-Out Ticket to World Travel (all without leaving your sofa).”

Movie Watcher
– See above description of Book Buyer but replace reading of books with watching of movies.

Master of Binge TV Watching
– I’m not sure why, but someone would decide to pay me for my ability to watch anywhere from one to two full seasons of a show in one weekend.

Taster of Cakes
– I think this one is self-explanatory.