Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Book Snob

I think I might be a book snob.

I've recently discovered a rather unsettling aspect of my personality.  I 100% judge people based on a) what they read and b) the ratings they give the books they read.  For a little background, I’m on a site called Goodreads and it lets you rate books you read on a 5 star scale. 

The scale with descriptions.

The problem started when I began to see people I know rating books, that I think look absurd, very highly.  Case in point, people rating the 50 Shades books 5 stars.  Sorry not sorry, those are not 5 star books.


I find myself thinking things like “what are you, new?  Like are you just discovering books?  If so I’d like to lend you some literature.  If not we REALLY need to chat because I can’t fathom why you think these books are ‘amazing.’”

Anyway comma sometimes things make me sad. 

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

My First Experience with Sadism

I should tell you up front, that title is hyperbolic.  But still, I think I met a sadist last week.

For those of you who may not know, I moved recently.  While I’m enjoying the new place there was one big thing about moving that made me sad.  Namely, I had to leave my old gym.  I know this probably seems trivial but I really liked my old gym.  I liked it so much that I seriously considered driving 30 minutes each time I needed to go work out so I could join another franchise location. 

Luckily for my bank account, I came to my senses and joined the one that is within walking distance of my new apartment.  My new gym costs $10 more a month so when they offered me a “free fitness consultation” I decided I should probably do it to offset the increased price.  Welcome to Kyley logic, people.

So last Monday after work I went to the gym for my fitness consultation.  I met with a fitness guru / trainer guy, we will call him Cory.  We sat down and talked about my goals, biggest issues, etc.  Then he used this little thing that you hold out in front of you to measure my percent body fat.

I should probably have realized his true nature when he handed it to me, told me to hold it out in front of me, and said, “just a heads up this this is going to give you a big shock, that’s how it works.” 

That’s totally not how it works.  Cory is a dirty liar. 

So then he tells me I have 28% body fat.  He may have said something after that but I was distracted for a bit thinking about the fact that if you quartered me, over one quarter would be made of fat.  But I digress.  He then tells me he thinks it would be ideal for me to work towards being 17% body fat.  This brings us to sadism clue number two.

After going home and doing a little research I learned that 17% body fat in a woman is like the lowest you should ever go.  Anything under 15% is generally considered anorexic.  I found this helpful illustration to show what I mean. 



You will note, I am basically perfectly in the middle of this scale.  So, while it wasn't sadistic of Cory to advise me on how to lower my BMI (it was actually totally helpful and I would like to get down to like 25%) it might have been evil to tell me to work towards emaciation.   

But now to the really fun part.  He tells me we’re going to do a strength training workout for my lower body.  After a warm-up he starts out by having me do lunges.  Lunges are good, I’m all over the lunges.  Side stretchy leg extend things, on it.  But then he says we’re going to do squats.  I thought I’d be fine with this too.  I thought wrong.

He tells me that my feet need to be like two feet apart.  My arms up and crooked, and I’m supposed to make a motion like I’m sitting down into a chair so it pushes my butt out.  You’re probably thinking “yeah, okay, sounds about right.” 

But have you ever actually tried to do this?  It’s totally unnatural!  Like my body could not figure out what the hell I was doing.  Cory is like “why is this harder for you than lunges?”  And I’m like, “gee Cory, I don’t know.  Perhaps because no one, ever, in any place in the world, has attempted to sit in a chair with their feet this far apart!”

Maybe I need to spend more time at “the club” because frankly the only thing I could equate this to is that whole “drop it like it’s hot,” dance that was big a few years back.  And since I am seldom inclined to “drop my ass to the floor,” as it were, I was doomed to failure.  And then to add insult to injury, he makes me finish this little foray into fitness with burpees which, as everyone knows, were invented by the devil himself.

Long story short, I couldn't walk for like the whole week and I took to yelling at my legs asking them what, exactly, they have been doing during our recent running workouts.  Since clearly they haven’t been working too hard. I realize it uses different muscles, but still, seems like they need to get their shit together.

Anyway, Cory is evil, I’m made up of over ¼ fat, and my legs are next to useless.  It was a good week.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

I May Have a Problem

My first try.
So yesterday morning when I got in to work I was having a really hard time staying awake.  It was really bad.  Like to the point that I 1. Really thought I might fall asleep at my desk, and 2. was seriously considering putting ice down the back of my own shirt to try to wake myself up.  Before jumping to that extreme, though, I decided I’d try to do something that was both slightly mentally taxing and involved some physical dexterity. First thing that came to mind, origami.

I decided to teach myself how to make a paper crane (not as difficult as you might think) and see if that perked me up.  So I googled, went through the steps, and created a pretty decent first effort.  I gave it to one of my coworkers and she was like, “that’s so cool! Do you think you could make another one without looking at the directions?”  So I thought for a second and said, “Yes, yes I think I could.”

I went back to my desk and worked for a couple more hours but then at lunch I decided to test myself.  I made another paper crane, this time without looking at the instructions.  I was pretty proud.  I took this one to a different coworker and she said, “Well that’s really impressive.  We have some colored paper in here if you want.”  And the can of worms was opened.


She gave me some colored paper, which I cut into squares and took home, and I proceeded to make 7 more cranes last night!  I think I may have created a monster.  On the plus side, I read that the legend apparently says you get a wish after making 1000 of them.  At this point I’ve only got 989 more to go.

The obsession begins. 

Friday, July 5, 2013

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Hello My Name is K-Y-L-E-Y and I Might Be Passive Aggressive

There is little that makes me more angry / frustrated / annoyed than when people misspell my name.  From my one aunt who has only recently mastered it (seriously, 23 years later she seems to have it down) to random coworkers sending me emails.  Today I’d like to focus on the coworker side of it.

Here’s the thing.  My work email has my name spelled out in it.  Additionally, I have an email signature at the bottom of every email that contains my name.  That means that anyone sending or receiving an email from me has at least two chances to see / places to check the spelling.  I don’t understand why this is hard. 

And maybe I’m being overly dramatic but the fact that people just seem to refuse to look and see if they have spelled it correctly strikes me as incredibly rude.  Especially since the most common offenders are people I have told before that they are misspelling it.  Like really?  Do you not even have enough respect for me to check that you’re spelling my name right?  Better yet, that you even have the correct name?  Because I've become “Kyle” on many an occasion.  You’re not only altering my name there, but my gender!  It just really frosts my cookies.

All this said, I've realized lately that I have some pretty strong passive aggressive tendencies that come to light when this happens.  My first instinct, for example, was to email people back and blatantly misspell their name so they could see what it’s like.  And I could just keep it up.  Keep spelling their name totally wrong.  That seemed a bit too intense though so I didn't do it.

Most recently I've just started taking it into account when prioritizing my miscellaneous projects.  Like, “oh, this person needs this done but spelled my name wrong and this other person needs this done and they managed to spell it correctly.  Looks like other person’s project is going to be the one I do first.”

When none of these tactics seem to affect the people in question though I’m forced to resort to aggressive aggression by emailing back and saying something like “Yeah I can do that and also you keep spelling my name wrong.”  I guess I’ll just be that girl at the office.  The one that gets crappy about my name.  I do the same thing when I introduce myself to people though.  Usually the conversations go like this:

Me: Hi, my name is Kyley, it’s nice to meet you.
Person X:  Hi Kayley it’s nice to meet you too.
Me: It’s Kyley.
Person X: Keeley?
Me: No, Kyley.
Person X: Kelly?
Me: NO! Kyley, like rhymes with smiley.
Person X: Ohhh, Kyley, nice to meet you Kayley.
Me: *Internally* Nice to meet you too, jackass.

Seriously these problems could all be eliminated if people would just pay attention to what is going on around them.  Check spelling.  Actually listen to people, don’t just think you’re hearing what they are saying and that that’s good enough.  Listen and make sure you are really hearing.  I can’t be the only person this happens to so chances are that if you’re not making a conscious effort to listen you’re probably offending more than one person.  And if you miss something don’t just go with what you think you heard, ask for clarification.  I would much rather repeat my name to someone who says they missed what I said than to someone who has just decided on a new name for me.

Anyway, rant over I suppose.  Sorry about that.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

The Effects of Late Work Arrival

You know what’s the worst?  Oversleeping and getting to work late.

Okay, maybe it’s not the worst.  I suppose famine, war, malaria, etc. are probably worse but I’m using hyperbole for the sake of this blog post.  Anyway comma…

Oversleeping and getting to work late.  I hate when I do this.  It makes everything about the day pretty awful.  Allow me to break it down for you.  To preface, I will say that I usually like to get to work by 8 o’clock or before.  Okay, here we go.  On days when I oversleep (today for instance) time goes like this:

8:30am – Wake up. Be startled by how light it is outside. Grab phone to check time. See time. Lament failure in proper awakening skills. Sigh. Stretch. Get out of bed. 
8:37am – Let out Bo. Go into bathroom. Wash face. Apply makeup. Throw hair back in ponytail. 
8:44am – Let Bo inside. Go to bedroom. Grab outfit. Get dressed. 
8:50am – Go to kitchen. Grab things for lunch. Pack lunch. 
8:55am – Leave for work. 
9:27am – Arrive at office and clock in. 
9:38am – Realize am ravenous due to being past normal breakfast time. 
9:40am – Eat oatmeal. 
11:30am – Realize am hungry again due to being close to normal lunchtime. Attempt to tell stomach to get its shit together because we just had breakfast. 
11:35am – 12:33pm – Eat all snacks. 
2:00pm – Eat lunch and read book. 
3:00pm – Start wanting to go home. 
4:00pm – Really wanting to go home. If I’d gotten to work early like I should have I could be leaving right now.
5:00pm – I should not be here right now. Even if I’d managed to get in at 8:30 I would be able to leave right now. Why do I suck at life? 
5:10pm – I hate my life. 
5:11pm – Please god, I want out. 
5:10pm – Did the clock seriously just go back a minute?! 
5:30pm – Justification time. I could leave now and just work extra tomorrow. 
5:32pm – No, that would be a bad idea. What if I accidentally get in late tomorrow too? Then I’ll be totally screwed. 
5:45pm – But if I leave now it’s like no time at all tomorrow. 15 minutes is nothing! 
5:50pm – 15 minutes is nothing. I can make it through these 15 minutes now. Keep working on projects. 
5:55pm – Ooo, it will surely take me these last five minutes to gather things and get ready to go, better start doing that. 
5:56:30pm – I might have been wrong. 
6:00pm – Oh sweet salvation! A mere 30 minutes between me and being home! Huzzah!

So yeah, while the huzzah moment is great and all I’d much rather avoid the two hours of mental torture I incur at my own hand… err… mind.  I just can’t let myself oversleep ever again.  Totally achievable goal, right?    


Monday, June 24, 2013

My Brain is Basically WebMD

So if you know me well at all you probably know that at the slightest sign of illness my overly dramatic mind tends to go straight to cancer.  Tooth pain?  Must be tooth cancer.  Pulled a muscle running?  Back cancer for sure.  Stubbed a toe?  Can't rule out the possibility that it might be toe cancer.  Seriously, it's like a character flaw.  Then today I saw this comic and I was like, "Oh my gosh! Screw webMD, this is what my brain does all on its own!"  So clearly, I have the brain of a web based doctor.  You can be jealous.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Things My Dog Doesn’t Understand

But look how cute I am!
Oh Bo, you special little tropical fish, you are so very bizarre. You may remember from my “Meet Bo” post that Bo was at one time an unassuming, quiet, shy, and retiring type of canine. This is no longer the case. He is now utterly crazy and there are certain things which inspire the crazy that just shouldn't. I like to call these things, “that which Bo does not understand.” Let me give you some examples.
1. Bo does not understand the concept of apartment living. He can not grasp the fact that there are other people living in our building and that it is okay for them to come into the entry way and even check their mail should they so choose. He is certain these are dastardly people who will only bring horror upon the casa Bogleson.

2. Bo does not understand how cliché he is. He chases his tail. He pees on fire hydrants. He chases cats. He barks at the mailman. I don’t know how I manged to find such a stereotypical dog.
3. Bo does not understand that neither the mailman nor the UPS man are ax murderers. The way he barks at them / the way he once tried to attack one really leads me to believe he thinks they are. Thus far, however, they have delivered several packages and no attempted homicides so I must conclude that he is mistaken in his assumption.

4. Bo does not understand that my making food has no direct effect on him. He seems to believe that my making food means he gets to eat the food that has been made. Again, such a typical dog.
5. Bo does not understand that I can’t run like the wind. Each and every time I attempt to jog with him he attempts to forcibly pull me into the life of a sprinter.

And lastly… 
6. Bo does not understand that kisses are better in moderation. I sometimes fear he may be tasting me in order to decide if it’s a good time to eat me. He is obsessive with his kisses / licking. It’s borderline OCD.
I maintain hope that someday he will go back to his pre-crazy nice calm self.  Maybe when he turns 40...

Monday, June 10, 2013

I Hate Spiders

This morning I had to kill a GIANT spider. Like seriously, it was so so big. I had to hit it with a shoe three times before it finally succumbed to its death. It had a white part on its back. I've decided it was like a mom spider and I might have wiped out an entire generation. I feel both sad about this potential massacre and super proud of my bravery in the face of epic arachnid danger. Anyway, then I saw this .gif and thought it was pretty accurate / totally reasonable.

Friday, May 24, 2013

I'm Sorry, Someone Needed To Say It.

Okay friendly types, we need to have a talk.  What I’m about to say may be the most controversial post I’ve ever written.  And that includes the one I wrote about sucking at feminism.  Potential controversy aside, it is something that begs to be said.  Okay, brace yourself, here it comes…

Bacon does not belong on everything.

I’m sorry, I know this may come as a blow to some of you.  It’s bacon, right?  What could be bad?  I’m glad you asked.  I’ve seen bacon themed items and recipes popping up all over and for a while I was able to handle it.  Bacon cupcake, okay, fine, kind of kitschy, we’ll let that go.  Bacon candle, we’re approaching unnecessary bacon-age here but I’ll ignore.  But today went too far.  They’d already bacon bastardized cupcakes, but this was just too much.  I mean, at least cupcakes are already unhealthy; they didn’t need to do this.  It didn’t need to happen.

What. The. Frack?

There is no reason for that!  Corn on the cob is delicious all on its own!  It in no way needs bacon.  In fact, I firmly believe the bacon would serve as a detriment to the pure deliciousness of the corn!  Anyway, I just needed to say something.  And in case you’re still unconvinced about the bacon pandemic, see the photos below.

Yes you read that right, bacon bandages.
This didn't need to happen!

Bacon shoes because, you know. 

In case you're not attracting enough meat eating animals.

Not cute.

No. Just no.



Monday, May 20, 2013

You Can Call Me Peter Pan...

What up, future textbook?

Because apparently I’m never growing up.

In the spring of 2012 I graduated with my marketing degree from Butler.  If you’d asked anyone then they could have told you I was pretty emphatic about not going back to school.  I was done, over it, I’d bought several t-shirts and I was ready to move on from my academia days.

So that lasted for about a year.  Clearly, conviction is not one of my strong points.

That said, I’m starting at Ivy Tech next month!  The plan is to get an associate’s degree in graphic design.  Will it be as intense as Butler?  I’m really thinking not.  I do think it will be fun though!  I’ll be taking it slow; probably just one class each semester.  And the best part… work is covering basically all of it!

So that’s what’s happening in my life, just thought I’d fill you in. : ]

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Adventures in Online Dating

So I do online dating. If you’ve ever heard of the site OkCupid, I’m on there. Some of the guys seem like genuinely nice people. Some of them seem like total weirdos. Obviously, I chose to illustrate the weirdo percentage. Read on for some of my favorite messages of the past few months.

“Hi there, I was just wondering if you'd be interested in a Finnish boyfriend? I know that's a straightforward question, but I don't mean that you and I should become a couple right on this very second, I'm just asking if you're open to the idea of a long distance relationship :)” (Nothing better than a boyfriend I’ll probably never meet!)

“Hi the names dylan. Im not saying i'm batman or anything but we've never been in the same room together. I'll let you decide if i am or not lol” (You’re just setting yourself up for trouble here, everyone knows you don’t reveal your alter ego that quickly.)

“Sorry. Youre the first person I grabbed. Guys keep visiting my profile. Does it say Im looking for a man?” (Sounds like a personal problem, dude)

“Hi, you look good.
Do you date dominant/traditonal type men?
Do you have a instant messenger to talk further?
Hope to hear from you” (“You look good” is the new winning compliment of 2013. Spread the word.)

“Hey my name is Bryan I grow medical marijuana and very passionate about it. I always wanted a job that gives me freedom and pays well. I also work in banking right now to show paper income. I also follow a religion Rastafari and seek jah. I don't force religion on anyone just letting you know what I'm passionate about. I can explain more about my religion or growing marijuana.” (The scary part is that I have an 86% match rate with this one.)

“Wow look. You are way to beautiful to be needing the internet to find guys! What's that all about?” (Umm… thanks?)

Obviously I attract the crème de la crème.  I can easily see this becoming a regular thing on my blog.  Winningggg.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Confession Time

Okay, I need to tell you all something.  I might have a problem.  I've listened to the new Selena Gomez song upwards of 50 times in the last two days.  It is so. darn. catchy.

Don't believe me?


I'm hoping I get sick of it soon.  It seems like it should help that I really only like the chorus.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

My Safety Observation

It's only a matter of time...
So my office has us do these things called safety observations, they count towards our yearly evaluation. Basically, if you see something unsafe you fix it and then write it up and it helps us reduce the total number of accidents. This is the one I submitted today.


Safety Observation

This morning (4-4-13) when I arrived at work there were two extremely agitated looking geese standing sentry at the door to the Etzel building.  One appeared to be the backup while the other was attempting to use its beak to break through the glass door.  I can only assume their motives were nefarious.

I first tried to scare them away by honking at them.  However, after realizing that geese themselves can honk it made more sense that they seemed entirely unaffected by it.  At that point I got out of my car, circumnavigated the geese (to avoid even more potential danger) and went in the main door.

Upon getting into the building I went back down to the vestibule of the other door and utilized my excellent intimidation skills to shoo the geese away.  I’ve been checking sporadically to see if they have returned.  

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Emails I Wish I Could Send


Sometimes in my work life I encounter people who I just really want to send a helpful and informative email.  Some of these potential emails are listed below.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Company X,

I do not need twice a day updates from you.  I just don't.  I seldom even look at them anymore because you send so so many.

Fix that,
Kyley

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Blank,

Throughout our correspondence over the past few days it has come to my attention that I find you intolerable. I’m sorry but you are on your own now.

Cheers,
Kyley

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Dear Blank,

Contrary to popular belief I cannot read minds. I apologize for the massive inconvenience this places in your life but please take comfort in the fact that it pains me at well.

All the best,
Kyley

 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Dear Blank,

I know this might be hard for you to understand but I am not, in fact, your beck and call girl. Have you seen Pretty Woman? I’d need to be getting paid a lot more each week if you expect me to drop everything I’m doing whenever you need something done.

Xox,
Kyley

Friday, March 15, 2013

Absurdity might be Hereditary


Sisterly Love folks.
Sleep doesn’t appear to want to make its way into the cards tonight.  This is quite annoying but I decided to try to make the best of a lousy situation by blogging.  My sister and I frequently have amusing conversations and recently there have been several.  I’d like to share a few with you now…

Nikita: I just passed the most bodacious sign!
Me: What?  What was it for?
Nikita: It wasn’t what it was for, it was what it said, it was just super bodacious.
Me: I don’t think that word means what you think it means.
Nikita: Yes it does! The sign made a bold statement, it was bodacious!
Me: Pretty sure you mean audacious.
Nikita: No, it was bodacious.
Me: Generally billboards aren’t bodacious, asses are, but not billboards.  You know, like "good gracious ass is bodacious!" 
Nikita: No, this sign was bodacious.
Me: I think you are very confused.


Nikita: I don’t think I have any milk.
Me: That’s a bummer.
Nikita: Yeah, I was just looking at all this cereal I have and thinking I should eat some but I don’t have any milk.
Me: It’s a shame because that’s not really something you can substitute…
Nikita: It’s really not.  I’m going to eat a cosmic brownie.
Me: Thaaaat’s the healthy alternative.
Nikita: I know.


Me: You know Heritage has a location in North Carolina.
Nikita: See, if I move here you totally could too!
Me: I think it's in Coolidge.
Nikita: Is that near Chapel Hill?
Me: No... because that's our Arizona location, dumb. I meant Charlotte.
Nikita: That's not close to Chapel Hill... But it is closer to Chapel Hill than Indianapolis.
Me: Very True.
Nikita: Plus, how will our holiday plan ever work if you don't live in the same state as me?
Me: Why is is my responsibility to relocate to the state you choose?
Nikita: Becau-... Yeah, I was going to try to come up with a reason but I've got nothing.


Nikita: I don't want to check to see if there are clothes in my dryer.
Me: Why not?
Nikita: I don't want to fold them.
Me: Ohhh, so this is like a Schrödinger's cat sort of situation and you don't want to have to clean up a dead cat?
Nikita: Not exactly because the cat might not be in there.
Me: Like maybe Schrödinger set up the whole experiment but forgot the most important variable?  Damn that Schrödinger, he always messes things up.  Like his assistants would be all "Are you kidding me with this? You forgot to put the cat in the box?  What the hell, guy?"

*Dryer opening sounds*

Nikita: Crap.
Me: Dead cat? 


Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Things that Downright Baffle Me

Occasionally in my daily life I encounter things that I find “downright baffling,” today I’d like to tell you about a couple of them.

1. Having “friends” on Facebook who are complete jerks to you.  In a related vein, being a “friend” to someone on Facebook and then being a complete jerk to them.  Perhaps no one ever explained the concept of social networking to you.  It’s a place to connect with social acquaintances and friends, not a place to add people you don’t know or don’t like in order to trash them in a public forum.

That really brings me to something that makes me mad about my generation.  There is no sense of decorum.  It has gotten to the point where people just think there are no ramifications for their actions.  These teenagers and young adults think they can say whatever they want to because there is not any danger of repercussions.  Honestly, it frightens me.  I have often said I think there needs to be a companion to the “like” button called “punch.”  Something to illustrate what would happen if you said the things you say online to someone in person.  But I’m getting off topic…

2. Any person who has watched a loved one die of a certain disease state who then proceeds to partake in exceptionally risky behaviors that relate to that same disease state.

For example, people who have had loved ones die of cancer and / or lung disease who then decide it’s a good idea to take up smoking.  Really?  Like really?  That seems like a good idea to you?  When you think back on the hours spent watching the person you love dying in a hospital bed, not being able to gather enough oxygen into their body for it to function properly because their lungs are too weak, you think that seems like good times?  You want that experience for your kids too?  Just how sadistic are you, exactly?  
   
In order to dispel any potential confusion, I’m against smoking in any instance but situations like the aforementioned really confound me.
  

I'm sure there are other situations that I am just forgetting at present so these are the only two I've got.  I'll make sure to write again if I think of others. 

Monday, March 4, 2013

Help?

So can anyone out there in Internetland explain to me how this image aligns with the thing it is supposed to be advertising?  Be a counselor, you get to have weird ass hair!

But seriously, I've got nothing.  Sometimes I wonder if Facebook even looks at the ads it it posting.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Every Morning at Work...

It's like a vicious cycle, it's cold when I get in so I turn on the heater.  

My cube gets nice and toasty and all I want to do is sleep so I shut off the heater.  

Then it gets cold in my cube so I turn on the heater.  

My cube gets nice and toasty and all I want to do is sleep...  

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

World Book Night 2013

Quick post, I'm super excited because I got this email today!


This will be the second year they've done this in the US and my second year participating.  I'm thrilled. : ]

Thursday, February 7, 2013

A Day in the Life: Awesome Workplace Happening

You want to know what’s the best?

When you’re sitting at work in the afternoon and you literally feel your blood sugar plunge so you decide you want to get a candy bar.  Then, because the vending machine is in the building next door (and because you only have $1 on you) you Lync Chat your friend in that building and  a conversation like this one happens:

You: Hi friend, how much do candy bars from the vending machine over there cost?  I NEED sugar lol.
Friend: Around $1 I think…I have sugar cookies?
You: I’ll be right over. 




The BEST.

Monday, February 4, 2013

Excellent Book Quotes

“Lots of things are mysteries But that doesn't mean there isn't an answer to them. It's just that scientists haven't found the answer yet.”
Mark Haddon, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time

“Like flies in amber, like corpses frozen in in ice, that which according to the laws of nature should pass away is by the miracle of ink on paper, preserved. It is a kind of magic. As one tends the graves of the dead, so I tend the books. And every day I open a volume or two, read a few lines or pages, allow the voices of the forgotten dead to resonate inside my head.”
Diane Setterfield, The Thirteenth Tale

“There is something about words. In expert hands, manipulated deftly, they take you prisoner. Wind themselves around your limbs like spider silk, and when you are so enthralled you cannot move, they pierce your skin, enter your blood, numb your thoughts. Inside you they work their magic.”
Diane Setterfield, The Thirteenth Tale

“But only when it was too late did they realize the price they must pay for escaping their destiny. Every Happy Ever After was tainted. Fate, at first so amenable, so reasonable, so open to negotiation, ends up by exacting a cruel revenge for happiness.”
Diane Setterfield, The Thirteenth Tale

“In the world I notice persons are nearly always stressed and have no time...I don't know how persons with jobs do the jobs and all the living as well...I guess the time gets spread very thin like butter all over the world, the roads and houses and playgrounds and stores, so there's only a little smear of time on each place, then everyone has to hurry on to the next bit.”
Emma Donoghue, Room

“Each time I told my story, I lost a bit, the smallest drop of pain. It was that day that I knew I wanted to tell the story of my family. Because horror on Earth is real and it is every day. It is like a flower or like the sun; it cannot be contained.”
Alice Sebold, The Lovely Bones

“As I have said, you have no reason to trust me, and an excellent reason not to.”
Robin McKinley, Beauty

“You should just accept who you are, flaws and all, because if you try to be someone you aren't, then eventually some turkey is going to shit all over your well-crafted facade, so you might as well save yourself the effort and enjoy your zombie books.”
Jenny Lawson, Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir

“And then something invisible snapped insider her, and that which had come together commenced to fall apart.”
John Green, Looking for Alaska

“I am going to take this bucket of water and pour it on the flames of hell, and then I am going to use this torch to burn down the gates of paradise so that people will not love God for want of heaven or fear of hell, but because He is God.”
John Green, Looking for Alaska

“After all, what is happiness? Love, they tell me. But love doesn't bring and never has brought happiness. On the contrary, it's a constant state of anxiety, a battlefield; it's sleepless nights, asking ourselves all the time if we're doing the right thing. Real love is composed of ecstasy and agony.”
Paulo Coelho, The Witch Of Portobello

“The day is made up of 24 hours and an infinite number of moments. We need to be aware of those moments and make the most of them regardless of whether we're busy doing something or contemplating life.”
Paulo Coelho, The Witch Of Portobello

“Everything tells me that I am about to make a wrong decision, but making mistakes is just part of life. What does the world want of me? Does it want me to take no risks, to go back to where I came from because I didn't have the courage to say "yes" to life?”
Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.”
Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

“So, I guess we are who we are for alot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.”
Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

“Standing on the fringes of life... offers a unique perspective. But there comes a time to see what it looks like from the dance floor.”
Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

“The books transported her into new worlds and introduced her to amazing people who lived exciting lives. She went on olden-day sailing ships with Joseph Conrad. She went to Africa with Ernest Hemingway and to India with Rudyard Kipling. She travelled all over the world while sitting in her little room in an English village.”
Roald Dahl, Matilda

“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

“Because you don't notice the light without a bit of shadow. Everything has both dark and light. You have to play with it till you get it exactly right.”
Libba Bray, A Great and Terrible Beauty

“Reality is a state of mind. To the banker, the money in his ledger book is all very real, though he doesn't actually see it or touch it. But to the Brahma, it simply doesn't exist the way the air and the earth, pain and loss do. To him, the banker's reality is folly. To the banker, the Brahma's ideas are as inconsequential as dust.”
Libba Bray, A Great and Terrible Beauty

“What a slut time is. She screws everybody.”
John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

Thursday, January 31, 2013

More Books the World Should Read


If you've stuck around at my blog you may remember two of my older posts, one called “13 Books Every Girl Should Read Before She's 25” and the other called “Summer Reading: My Top 10 Suggestions.”  Both offer some great book recommendations If I do say so myself (and I do). But since it has been a while since I last wrote on the subject, I thought I would once again regale you all with recommendations of a few of the books I love. 

Beauty by Robin McKinley – This is my all-time favorite retelling of the story of Beauty and the Beast.  I stumbled across it years ago at my local library and never looked back.

Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir by Jenny Lawson – This book… What can I even say?  This is one of those books that you probably don’t want to try to read in public because you will laugh out loud and people will look at you strangely.  This woman just lives quite a strange life and I think we all owe her thanks for sharing her stories with us.

If I Stay by Gayle Forman – The sequel is also very good but this one was hauntingly so.  Basically, it’s the story of a girl in limbo deciding whether or not to continue living.  There is much more to it than that but that is the main premise.

It's Kind of a Funny Story by Ned Vizzini – I saw this book in stores for years before finally picking it up and I’m so glad that I eventually did.  It’s a basic teen angst slash coming of age story but the cast of characters make it come to life the way some books like this might not.

Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil by John Berendt – I won’t lie, when I decided to read this in high school it took me a while to get into and consequently took me longer to read than most books.  That said, it’s still a book I think about sometimes. 

Monday, January 28, 2013

Friday, January 25, 2013

Snow Induced Vehicular Jackassary


My fellow drivers, today I would like to take a moment to dispel some of what I can only assume are common misconceptions regarding snow and the common driver.

To begin, I feel it is important to say that if you do any of the following when it’s snowing you are a jackass.  If you do any of the following when it is not snowing you should really just go turn your license over to the DMV and be done with it because you have no business endangering the rest of us with these sorts of shenanigans.

Lesson number one: A dusting of snow on the ground does not, in fact, give you reason to use your vehicle to body check another thus forcing them to change lanes.  Snow does not cause exits to move.  You know when it’s coming up so get over in time.  Just because it is snowing does not mean you get to be a tool and try to kill people.

Lesson number two: Light snow in no way justifies you driving 22mph on a major highway.  This is just absurd and will likely cause more accidents than it prevents.

Lesson number three: Winter weather does not give you leave to cut people off!  Again, the exits do not change when it snows.  Engage your brain and stop acting like a Neanderthal.

Lesson number four:  While I understand that snow can make it difficult to see the lines on the road, it does not mean you get to totally ignore them and drive down the center of two lanes.

Lesson number five:  You should really try using your breaks.  Snow does not always mean you won’t be able to stop and as such, you should still do the lawful thing and attempt to stop yourself from running a red light.

There are probably more instances that I have not mentioned but these were just the ones I was privy to on my drive into work this morning.  And keep in mind this doesn't even mention the countless drivers who are so sure that the snow won't do anything to hurt them that they drive even more recklessly than they normally would.  So come on people, let’s remove heads from butts and use some common sense.  A bit of snow on the ground in no way gives you a license for vehicular jackassary. 

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

11 Things that are the Absolute Worst

1. Having a scratch on your eye. Like when it feels like you have something in your eye but you can’t seem to do anything to make it stop. Just awful.

2. Stubbing your toe. There is little more painful than this. I think part of the pain comes from the shock of the whole situation. Like when you fall or something you have a bit of time to anticipate the coming pain but stubbing your toe usually happens with no warning.

3. Biting into a delicious looking chocolate chip cookie and finding that the delicious chocolate chips are actually raisins. Don’t get me wrong, oatmeal raisin cookies are good too but not when you’re expecting chocolate.

4. Having food get into your windpipe. Not even to the point where it chokes you but just enough so you have to do that irritating spastic cough thing.

5. Trying to paint the nails on your dominant hand. A.K.A. painting nails with your non-dominant hand.

6. Waking up in the middle of the night because you have a charlie horse.

7. Eye twitching.

8. Reading a book really quickly and then learning that it’s the first in a trilogy that won’t be finished for at least three years.

9. Forgetting to take a book to a place where you will have to wait (doctor’s office, dentists, etc.)

10. Being so tired that when you take your contacts out you forget to put solution on them and wake up to shriveled little discs of unhelpfulness.

11. Honey Boo Boo.



*Bonus*

Octavia adds wet socks.  Excellent addition. 

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Marketing That Confuses Me

I have a marketing degree.  I notice marketing literally all the time.  You’d think that knowing what is going on would help me be less influenced by marketing but it’s totally not.  In fact, I often think I’m more susceptible to good marketing now.  I say this because I frequently buy things that I really don’t need just because they are advertised well.  Luckily, when ads suck I can also recognize it and it saves me from making some absurd purchases.  It’s like absurd buying yin and yang.  Super Zen.  

Anyway, sometimes I call my sister when I hear or see marketing that confuses me and she usually makes fun of me for it.  Today I’d like to regale you, dear reader, with some of these examples.

1. The current Applebee’s Ads.  I hear these on the radio at least once a day.  They’re fine up until the closing line.  They tell you all about the new foods and give you reasons why you should eat there and everything is going well.  Then they sign off with “see you tomorrow.”  I don’t get that.  Like why isn't Applebee’s confident enough in its products and advertisements to think it might have convinced you to alter your dinner plans for tonight?  Why do they want you to wait until tomorrow?  Come on Applebee’s, lets have a little faith. 

2. The new Target ads.  All are pretty bizarre but this one in particular really takes the cake. 
What exactly does baby want?  Is it the food or the mayhem and destruction?  Because if baby wants the food mommy should probably stop destroying it / throwing it everywhere.  I mean did you see what she did to that orange?  I hope baby realizes that mommy is kind of a beast.


3. The Skittles Pox ad.  Honestly, this one just freaks me out.


I don't know, maybe it's just me but I don't think I will ever not notice this kind of stuff.  If you find / see / hear any weird ones let me know!