Last Friday Night...

On Friday night I was the designated driver when a friend and I went to a show at the Monkey’s Tail in Broadripple.  For those of you who may not know, there is a back alley sort of place where you can occasionally find parking.  I had turned into it and was going to drive down but was stopped by another vehicle that had pulled halfway into the third spot.  This was supremely annoying so I decided to honk my horn.

REWIND

A couple weeks ago my dad and grandma came down to visit and to exchange my old car for my brother’s old car.  His is a few years newer than mine and has better tires so it will better get me through the winter.  Additionally, it had been taken away from him because of his refusal to join the rest of us in being functional members of society so it was not really being used.  That said, I now drive a new car.

Meanwhile back at the ranch...

I push the center of the steering wheel but nothing happens.  I try again to no avail.  My friend suggests that there might be a button as opposed to it just being in the center of the wheel.  I turn on a light to look and see that no, the horn is exactly where it should be, it’s just not working.  At this point there are more cars behind me and I really need to make this other vehicle move.  I decide I will try hitting the panic button once and then turn it off really quickly.  Before I can even do that though my car explodes with noise.  The horn is going off and I’m not even touching anything.  And the best part, I can’t make it stop!  It just keeps going, a loud and unfaltering blast of horn.

On the plus side the car finally pulls up and I’m able to get around them.  I pull up into a bank lot and turn off my car.  The horn doesn’t stop.  I re-start the car.  The horn doesn’t stop.  I turn it off again.  THE HORN WILL NOT STOP.

My friend is basically worse than useless at this point because she is absolutely losing it.  In her defense, it was somewhat hysterical.  In another fit of desperation I think of the panic button.  “Maybe,” I think, “If I push the panic button then it will start going off and the horn will have to stop and then I can turn off the panic!”  But once more, before I can even touch the button the horn stops.  Then everything was quiet.  I kind of imagine that’s what it feels like after a tornado goes by your house and then everything just gets still.  Then I panic.

“Oh my gosh,” I say, “I’ve got to go back and apologize to those people!”

I jump out of the car and run back to where the people had parked hoping against hope that they are not some giant Italian mob men or something.  I get there and two women are getting out of their vehicle.

“I’m so sorry!” I say, “It was my brother’s car and I’d never used the horn and it was just supposed to be a short honk but it got stuck and I’m sorry and it wouldn’t stop!”  All of this said half laughing.  And while I’m saying this they’re saying “Oh my god, we were like ‘We’re moving! We’re moving! Ahh!’ (with exaggerated hand motions) Thanks for coming back to tell us, that’s hilarious.”

I get back to my car and my friend is still laughing somewhat uncontrollably.  I put the car in drive and start pulling out of the bank.  “So," I say "Remember that one time when my horn went off for like a full minute?”