Vegetarian Stuffed Peppers a la Kyley

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A post shared by Kyley (@kyleyshinead) on Sep 5, 2018 at 2:14pm PDT

I cook for one and this made enough leftover filling for 2 more meals (I froze it).

Vegetarian Stuffed Peppers a la Kyley

• Cook 1/2 cup brown rice (I make it in my rice cooker).
• Wash, split, and clean out a red bell pepper. Place it face down on a baking sheet and bake at 350° while you put together the filling.  
• Dice 1/2 of a sweet onion and put in skillet with 1 tbsp olive oil.
• Rinse the liquid from a can of no salt added black beans and add them to the skillet.
• Add 1 8 oz can of no salt added tomato sauce to the skillet (V8 would probably work too).
• Add in your cooked rice.
• Stem and chop a handful of fresh spinach. Toss with other ingredients right before you're ready to add filling to peppers.
• Remove peppers from oven, flip them over, and fill them with mixture.
• Place back in oven and cook for 15-20 minutes depending on how much they cooked while you made your filling. 
• Remove and add some shredded parmesan to the top if you want.
• Place back in oven until cheese melts. 

Potatoes and Onions

Slightly cheat night. #kyleykillscholesterol

A post shared by Kyley (@kyleyshinead) on Aug 29, 2018 at 3:16pm PDT

Peppers Peppers Everywhere!

I was going to say something about “if you had told the me of five years ago she would be eating this for dinner...” but honestly if you had told me five weeks ago I would’ve laughed in your face. It’s a massive change but will hopefully be worth it. #AllIn #kyleykillscholesterol

A post shared by Kyley (@kyleyshinead) on Aug 28, 2018 at 3:50pm PDT

1/2 red pepper
1/2 yellow pepper
1/2 onion
fresh green beans

served over brown rice mixed with lentil puree.

Little Bit of Everything Stir Fry

I don’t really understand my life anymore. #kyleykillscholesterol

A post shared by Kyley (@kyleyshinead) on Aug 26, 2018 at 2:43pm PDT

1 zucchini, sliced in half and chopped into 1/4" pieces

2 carrots, sliced

1/2 onion, diced

1/2 red pepper, diced

1/2 yellow pepper, diced

1 can no salt added chickpeas, drained

1 small can V8 juice

Cooked all together in a skillet and served over brown rice.

Pasta Adventures

Pasta made from lentils. Fresh Roma tomato and spinach cooked down in pasta sauce. Little bit of freshly grated parmesan. Not bad but needs some heat. May have to invest in red pepper flakes. #kyleykillscholesterol

A post shared by Kyley (@kyleyshinead) on Aug 22, 2018 at 3:19pm PDT

New Series #KyleyKillsCholesterol

Today’s millennial nonsense lunch is brought to you by piss poor genetics and my already very high cholesterol. #ThisIsMyLifeNow #KyleyKillsCholesterol

A post shared by Kyley (@kyleyshinead) on Aug 20, 2018 at 9:11am PDT

There’s No Enlightenment at the End of this Post

Sometimes I think the most difficult aspect of mental health is how self-aware you can be even when things are wrong. I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for most of my life. Much like my poor eyesight, at this point I can tell when something is wrong. I know when my depression is acting up. I’m perfectly aware when I have a panic attack that that is what’s happening. I even understand that there are steps I could take to improve things—but when my brain is telling me that life is too difficult, doing any of those things seems impossible.

When my depression takes hold, I sleep. Not good, normal, restful sleep but something I call escape sleep. I’ll get off work, go home, and sleep from 5-11. Then I wake up and struggle with insomnia until 2 or 3. I constantly feel tired. And even though I’m exhausted, sleep won’t come when it should. I know a good way to combat this would be to exercise after work. I know it has worked in the past. But I don’t do it.

When my depression takes hold, I don’t eat right. I know I should be cooking myself food that is good for me—but it’s easier to just have cereal or cookies or junk. The thought of planning out meals, going shopping, preparing food, and cleaning up after seems like far too much work. Sometimes when I’m hungry I just go to bed instead of dealing with it. Because my brain says it’s too hard to do all the work it will take to fix my hunger.

When my depression takes hold, you might not even notice. I can still laugh. I can still make jokes. I can make you think I’m totally fine. It sometimes feels like being a functional alcoholic. I excel at “hiding my crazy.” But it’s always there anyway.

This brings me back to the idea of self-awareness. When I read over my words I know­ they must sound insane to anyone not struggling with mental health issues. Even to me, they seem slightly absurd. All things considered, I’ve had a blessed life up to this point. I shouldn’t be sad. I shouldn’t struggle with basic self-care. But it takes strength, mental and physical, to break out of the habits of depression. And when you’re struggling to even get out of bed in the morning that strength is in short supply.

It takes going against everything your mind is trying to tell you. It takes ignoring your natural impulses. It takes finding the belittled, downtrodden, logical part of your mind—the 10% that knows depression lies—and trying to put it in charge of the other 90%. And it’s hard. It is so goddamn hard.

How Do You Deal With This?

I am struggling with a deep and unrelenting shame for my shameless family members.

I am ashamed of the fact that they are racists, bigots, and willfully ignorant to facts and reason. That regardless of how they identify, their actions more than give them away.

I am ashamed of their unchecked hubris. Of their unwillingness to see another point of view. Of their hatred that they mask with “patriotism” and Christianity.

I am ashamed that they call themselves Christians while unabashedly supporting the views of the morally bankrupt.

I am ashamed that they are too proud to admit they have made a mistake in putting their support behind Donald Trump.

This is ½ of my upbringing. ½ of the people who raised me. I don't know how to reconcile their current actions with my childhood memories.

Maybe they've always been like this and I was just too blind to see it?

Everything in me wants to say something about it. Everything I am wants to try to influence them to change. But it’s like shouting into the wind.

I know I'm not alone in this. I know others are dealing with similar situations. And I truly want to know how you manage it? Because it's like a weight that I can't shake.

To 2017

Like most, I have, in my 26.7ish years, failed at innumerable new year’s resolutions. I think it’s a bit of a given, unless you resolve to fail at your resolution (which is a terribly confusing gambit in itself) or you resolve to do something very small (such as eat one salad) you’re probably going to lapse. The fact is, change is hard.

In the past few months, 2017 has been both a light in the distance and a looming shadow. While we leave behind the heartbreaks and disappointments of 2016, we are now faced with surviving 12 months of fallouts and ramifications. Gallows humor aside, I’m legitimately frightened about what some of those ramifications may be. Perhaps more than ever, the future is scary.

To that end, my resolutions are centered around actionable steps I can take to improve my life. I know there will be setbacks, but I’m resolving not to let them completely derail me.

1. I’m going to do my very best to write and post at least one thing here a month. I barely wrote in 2016 and I miss it. I’d like to get back into the habit.

2. I’m going to stop biting my nails. If I’m being honest, I’ve already had a lapse on this one. But I have to keep trying. That’s really all we can do. 

3. I’m going to take steps to improve my health and wellbeing. I’m intentionally vague here because I have learned in the past that putting stringent guidelines on my health does not work for me.

4. I will do everything within my power to encourage openness and acceptance. I will fight to not let the voices of a few, disenfranchise millions. I will choose love over hate. I hope you’ll join me.

The Orange Grove: Being a Brief Reflection on Current Political Affairs and the Potential Afterlife

In the weeks before my Grandma Russell died, she talked to my grandpa and her kids about an orange grove. At this point, she was only somewhat lucid. She’d been ill for a long time and it had taken a toll. But my mom says that when she spoke of the orange grove she seemed especially certain of herself.

The idea was a simple one. Our whole family, extended out to all the spouses, families of spouses, and anyone else who wanted to come, really, would move to an orange grove. We would buy a large tract of land and plant hundreds of orange trees. Those of us living there would tend the oranges and live, all together, happily. It was a fair plan. The basis of which was her desire to have all the people she loved close to her and happy. I dream of the orange grove.

~ ~ ~

I've realized in recent years that my grandma's death affected my mom more than I grasped at the time. She’s not as open as she used to be. In an attempt to cope with losing her mother, she turned to religion. While this is often a helpful course of action, it may have done her a disservice. Sometimes I hardly recognize her. I often wonder what my grandma would think of it. 

I’ve struggled with the concept of religion for most of my adult life. I can’t reconcile the pain and suffering in the world with the concept of an almighty “good” at the helm of everything. Regardless of how religion would explain the bad, I just want the orange grove.

Generally, I like to think of myself as hopeful. 

In times such as we find ourselves now, however, that hope is stretched thinner. I don’t know how to process the level of hate we seem to have reached as a society. I don’t know what it means when people who raised me to believe that “red and yellow, black and white, we are precious in his sight,” now support bigoted and discriminatory ideas in the name of religion and “safety.” I don’t know what steps to take to combat the vast misinformation that is polluting the minds of millions. I don’t even know where to start.

At this point, I try to live my life the best I can. I aim to treat others with kindness, love, and respect. I understand that the peaceful world I dream of is probably just that, a dream. So I’m left with hope. Hope that I can make some kind of change. Hope that I can leave the world even a bit better than I found it. Hope for a potential ever after. For me, I think it might be an orange grove.