Thursday, July 7, 2011

Max Pain: The Life of a Supercreep

In the internship learning system, six sigma based offenses are considered especially heinous. In Indianapolis, the dedicated detective who investigates these vicious accidents is a member of his own elite squad, known as the Max Pain Victims Unit. This is his story.

Max is an…employee of the company I work for? He is the representation of six sigma safety, I believe. If you can’t tell from the photo, Max is a large wooden man. He kind of reminds me of a paper doll like I used to play with but way creepier.

First a physical description, just incase you can’t fully make everything out from the photo. To start, he has vampire teeth. As he is two dimensional they are simply tacked onto his face open to their full oval capacity. Above these teeth he has, what I can only describe as, a Hitler mustache. He has no eyes but a cap that would cover them if he did, in fact, possess some. No shirt but yes on the nametag. He appears to have some sort of skin condition involving red and green spots. One side of his torso is “dangerous,” and he appears to have several wounds being treated. His shorts are far too large and therefore are tied on with a zip cord. He has a baton in his pocket that I strongly suspect is his primary weapon of choice. He has very flat feet and no shoes.

I considered doing an interview with him but he never got back to me about whether or not he would be interested, he’s kind of a quiet guy. So instead I decided I just write a little about my experiences with him so far.

In the beginning of my internship, Max lived out in the vestibule because that was here he had been stashed during the remodel. In this location he had prime exposure and was able to both monitor the comings and goings in the building and scare the crap out of me on a daily basis.

He then moved around the hallways some, always in a new location, always scaring the bejesus out of me.

Now fast-forward to when we are all happily sequestered in our little cubes. I come into work one morning and who should be squatting in my cube, but Max Pain. I sigh and hide him behind some other things. (As the intern, my cube has become something of a catchall, I have some tradeshow decorations in tubes in the back corner, and he was hidden behind them.)

My co-workers made fun of me for hiding him and asked why I did not enjoy my new cube buddy, I responded with a scathing,

“Because he’s really stinkin’ creepy that’s why!”

I come in a few days later and the tubes have been moved to the side revealing Max Pain in all of his frighteningness. I promptly stack them back up all around him.

A few days later I come in after my boss to find Max Pain out and lying across my entire cube! I should have called shenanigans right then, but Jake and Cliff said they had “no idea” how it happened. I remain unconvinced.

Max is out of my cube now and moving around the office, spreading his creepertastic ways around the world as best he can. So, the lesson of the story? Obey six sigma safety standards or you’ll get harassed by a big wooden man. Yes, yes I think that’s the moral.

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