I Hate Spiders

This morning I had to kill a GIANT spider. Like seriously, it was so so big. I had to hit it with a shoe three times before it finally succumbed to its death. It had a white part on its back. I've decided it was like a mom spider and I might have wiped out an entire generation. I feel both sad about this potential massacre and super proud of my bravery in the face of epic arachnid danger. Anyway, then I saw this .gif and thought it was pretty accurate / totally reasonable.

I'm Sorry, Someone Needed To Say It.

Okay friendly types, we need to have a talk.  What I’m about to say may be the most controversial post I’ve ever written.  And that includes the one I wrote about sucking at feminism.  Potential controversy aside, it is something that begs to be said.  Okay, brace yourself, here it comes…

Bacon does not belong on everything.

I’m sorry, I know this may come as a blow to some of you.  It’s bacon, right?  What could be bad?  I’m glad you asked.  I’ve seen bacon themed items and recipes popping up all over and for a while I was able to handle it.  Bacon cupcake, okay, fine, kind of kitschy, we’ll let that go.  Bacon candle, we’re approaching unnecessary bacon-age here but I’ll ignore.  But today went too far.  They’d already bacon bastardized cupcakes, but this was just too much.  I mean, at least cupcakes are already unhealthy; they didn’t need to do this.  It didn’t need to happen.

What. The. Frack?

There is no reason for that!  Corn on the cob is delicious all on its own!  It in no way needs bacon.  In fact, I firmly believe the bacon would serve as a detriment to the pure deliciousness of the corn!  Anyway, I just needed to say something.  And in case you’re still unconvinced about the bacon pandemic, see the photos below.

Yes you read that right, bacon bandages.
This didn't need to happen!

Bacon shoes because, you know. 

In case you're not attracting enough meat eating animals.

Not cute.

No. Just no.

You Can Call Me Peter Pan...

What up, future textbook?

Because apparently I’m never growing up.

In the spring of 2012 I graduated with my marketing degree from Butler.  If you’d asked anyone then they could have told you I was pretty emphatic about not going back to school.  I was done, over it, I’d bought several t-shirts and I was ready to move on from my academia days.

So that lasted for about a year.  Clearly, conviction is not one of my strong points.

That said, I’m starting at Ivy Tech next month!  The plan is to get an associate’s degree in graphic design.  Will it be as intense as Butler?  I’m really thinking not.  I do think it will be fun though!  I’ll be taking it slow; probably just one class each semester.  And the best part… work is covering basically all of it!

So that’s what’s happening in my life, just thought I’d fill you in. : ]

Adventures in Online Dating

So I do online dating. If you’ve ever heard of the site OkCupid, I’m on there. Some of the guys seem like genuinely nice people. Some of them seem like total weirdos. Obviously, I chose to illustrate the weirdo percentage. Read on for some of my favorite messages of the past few months.

“Hi there, I was just wondering if you'd be interested in a Finnish boyfriend? I know that's a straightforward question, but I don't mean that you and I should become a couple right on this very second, I'm just asking if you're open to the idea of a long distance relationship :)” (Nothing better than a boyfriend I’ll probably never meet!)

“Hi the names dylan. Im not saying i'm batman or anything but we've never been in the same room together. I'll let you decide if i am or not lol” (You’re just setting yourself up for trouble here, everyone knows you don’t reveal your alter ego that quickly.)

“Sorry. Youre the first person I grabbed. Guys keep visiting my profile. Does it say Im looking for a man?” (Sounds like a personal problem, dude)

“Hi, you look good.
Do you date dominant/traditonal type men?
Do you have a instant messenger to talk further?
Hope to hear from you” (“You look good” is the new winning compliment of 2013. Spread the word.)

“Hey my name is Bryan I grow medical marijuana and very passionate about it. I always wanted a job that gives me freedom and pays well. I also work in banking right now to show paper income. I also follow a religion Rastafari and seek jah. I don't force religion on anyone just letting you know what I'm passionate about. I can explain more about my religion or growing marijuana.” (The scary part is that I have an 86% match rate with this one.)

“Wow look. You are way to beautiful to be needing the internet to find guys! What's that all about?” (Umm… thanks?)

Obviously I attract the crème de la crème.  I can easily see this becoming a regular thing on my blog.  Winningggg.

Confession Time

Okay, I need to tell you all something.  I might have a problem.  I've listened to the new Selena Gomez song upwards of 50 times in the last two days.  It is so. darn. catchy.

Don't believe me?

I'm hoping I get sick of it soon.  It seems like it should help that I really only like the chorus.

My Safety Observation

It's only a matter of time...

So my office has us do these things called safety observations, they count towards our yearly evaluation. Basically, if you see something unsafe you fix it and then write it up and it helps us reduce the total number of accidents. This is the one I submitted today.


Safety Observation

This morning (4-4-13) when I arrived at work there were two extremely agitated looking geese standing sentry at the door to the Etzel building.  One appeared to be the backup while the other was attempting to use its beak to break through the glass door.  I can only assume their motives were nefarious.

I first tried to scare them away by honking at them.  However, after realizing that geese themselves can honk it made more sense that they seemed entirely unaffected by it.  At that point I got out of my car, circumnavigated the geese (to avoid even more potential danger) and went in the main door.

Upon getting into the building I went back down to the vestibule of the other door and utilized my excellent intimidation skills to shoo the geese away.  I’ve been checking sporadically to see if they have returned.  

Emails I Wish I Could Send

Sometimes in my work life I encounter people who I just really want to send a helpful and informative email.  Some of these potential emails are listed below.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Company X,

I do not need twice a day updates from you.  I just don't.  I seldom even look at them anymore because you send so so many.

Fix that,

Kyley

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Blank,

Throughout our correspondence over the past few days it has come to my attention that I find you intolerable. I’m sorry but you are on your own now.

Cheers,
Kyley

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Dear Blank,

Contrary to popular belief I cannot read minds. I apologize for the massive inconvenience this places in your life but please take comfort in the fact that it pains me at well.

All the best,
Kyley

 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Dear Blank,

I know this might be hard for you to understand but I am not, in fact, your beck and call girl. Have you seen Pretty Woman? I’d need to be getting paid a lot more each week if you expect me to drop everything I’m doing whenever you need something done.

Xox,
Kyley

Absurdity might be Hereditary

Sisterly Love folks.

Sleep doesn’t appear to want to make its way into the cards tonight.  This is quite annoying but I decided to try to make the best of a lousy situation by blogging.  My sister and I frequently have amusing conversations and recently there have been several.  I’d like to share a few with you now…

Nikita: I just passed the most bodacious sign!

Me: What?  What was it for?

Nikita: It wasn’t what it was for, it was what it said, it was just super bodacious.

Me: I don’t think that word means what you think it means.

Nikita: Yes it does! The sign made a bold statement, it was bodacious!

Me: Pretty sure you mean audacious.

Nikita: No, it was bodacious.

Me: Generally billboards aren’t bodacious, asses are, but not billboards.  You know, like "good gracious ass is bodacious!" 

Nikita: No, this sign was bodacious.

Me: I think you are very confused.

Nikita: I don’t think I have any milk.

Me: That’s a bummer.

Nikita: Yeah, I was just looking at all this cereal I have and thinking I should eat some but I don’t have any milk.

Me: It’s a shame because that’s not really something you can substitute…

Nikita: It’s really not.  I’m going to eat a cosmic brownie.

Me: Thaaaat’s the healthy alternative.

Nikita: I know.

Me: You know Heritage has a location in North Carolina.
Nikita: See, if I move here you totally could too!
Me: I think it's in Coolidge.
Nikita: Is that near Chapel Hill?
Me: No... because that's our Arizona location, dumb. I meant Charlotte.
Nikita: That's not close to Chapel Hill... But it is closer to Chapel Hill than Indianapolis.
Me: Very True.
Nikita: Plus, how will our holiday plan ever work if you don't live in the same state as me?
Me: Why is is my responsibility to relocate to the state you choose?
Nikita: Becau-... Yeah, I was going to try to come up with a reason but I've got nothing.

Nikita: I don't want to check to see if there are clothes in my dryer.
Me: Why not?
Nikita: I don't want to fold them.
Me: Ohhh, so this is like a Schrödinger's cat sort of situation and you don't want to have to clean up a dead cat?

Nikita: Not exactly because the cat might not be in there.

Me: Like maybe Schrödinger set up the whole experiment but forgot the most important variable?  Damn that Schrödinger, he always messes things up.  Like his assistants would be all "Are you kidding me with this? You forgot to put the cat in the box?  What the hell, guy?"

*Dryer opening sounds*

Nikita: Crap.

Me: Dead cat? 

Things that Downright Baffle Me

Occasionally in my daily life I encounter things that I find “downright baffling,” today I’d like to tell you about a couple of them.

1. Having “friends” on Facebook who are complete jerks to you.  In a related vein, being a “friend” to someone on Facebook and then being a complete jerk to them.  Perhaps no one ever explained the concept of social networking to you.  It’s a place to connect with social acquaintances and friends, not a place to add people you don’t know or don’t like in order to trash them in a public forum.

That really brings me to something that makes me mad about my generation.  There is no sense of decorum.  It has gotten to the point where people just think there are no ramifications for their actions.  These teenagers and young adults think they can say whatever they want to because there is not any danger of repercussions.  Honestly, it frightens me.  I have often said I think there needs to be a companion to the “like” button called “punch.”  Something to illustrate what would happen if you said the things you say online to someone in person.  But I’m getting off topic…

2. Any person who has watched a loved one die of a certain disease state who then proceeds to partake in exceptionally risky behaviors that relate to that same disease state.

For example, people who have had loved ones die of cancer and / or lung disease who then decide it’s a good idea to take up smoking.  Really?  Like really?  That seems like a good idea to you?  When you think back on the hours spent watching the person you love dying in a hospital bed, not being able to gather enough oxygen into their body for it to function properly because their lungs are too weak, you think that seems like good times?  You want that experience for your kids too?  Just how sadistic are you, exactly?  

   

In order to dispel any potential confusion, I’m against smoking in any instance but situations like the aforementioned really confound me.

  

I'm sure there are other situations that I am just forgetting at present so these are the only two I've got.  I'll make sure to write again if I think of others. 

Help?

So can anyone out there in Internetland explain to me how this image aligns with the thing it is supposed to be advertising?  Be a counselor, you get to have weird ass hair!

But seriously, I've got nothing.  Sometimes I wonder if Facebook even looks at the ads it it posting.